The Big Peace

It's My Birthday!

As 3 weeks has gone by without blogging - maybe the answer - is yes! I am lazy. But I have been too busy enjoying myself to blog.

It's my birthday and I've been going to yoga days, going out to dinner with my girlfriends, off to Paris for the weekend, going to the Chelsea Physic Garden for a tour.

Basically getting away from work, childcare, stressing with the husband and how do I feel? FANTASTIC! If vaguely guilty.....can I really be this self-indulgent? Yes, say the experts.

The route to inner peace is to follow your 'flow' so says Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist from the University of Chicago. He studied thousands of people for more than 30 years to discover what makes OUR LIVES meaningful and satisfying.

From his research he wrote a book called Flow – which is a narrowing of attention, a sense of being absorbed, and a feeling of transcendence. Any activity can lead to flow, playing a game, listening to music, whatever floats your boat.

What floats yours and what can you do to get more 'flow' in your life?

Laziness

Am I lazy? Sometimes I think the self-improvement thing is good for me because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. Otherwise, you know what? I tend to sod-all. I like moddling around.

I have a million things to do - like my ironing. I have three washing loads of ironing to do, the house hasn't been cleaned, I have an article to write, I have marketing stuff to do - and what have I done all morning? Nowt. Answered a few emails, watered my plants and that's it?

and I have felt pretty content. My fear is that if I embrace 'content' as my default setting, nothing will get done. Goals, expectations, a list of 'to-dos' get my kitchen floor cleaned and money in my bank.

What will happen if I just moodle?

Let's see shall we?

Arguments At Home

I went to London to see my friends and stayed overnight last week. When I got back, my husband had bought a ginormous motorbike. Mid-life crisis? Whatever! We hadn't discussed it, he'd just gone out and bought it.

I was furious. Not only that he'd gone and spent his savings on something just for him but metaphorically just what kind of message does it give? Not exactly room for me and charlie on the bike - is there? On some level, it felt he was driving away from us.

So how do you feel peaceful when you're so annoyed, you could do things with exhaust pipes that would be particularly enlightened? How could I possibly change my thinking about this? Because boy! did I have a massive story going on in my head about all of this. Motorbike this week? nubile blonde next week? Insecure, me?

It strikes me how easily I am knocked off my peaceful path. And how I turn to my usual props to help me feel better. I found myself drinking vast amounts of wine in the pub with my mother and toddler community who soothed and said the right things as I slurred and ranted. Nice. Top guru, me you know?!

So today, I was hungover and ashamed as well as well as annoyed. Not a particularly peaceful day. So as I lay on my mind groaning, I kept asking myself - what would I have to think differently to be peaceful?

1. that it was perfectly OK for my husband Jools to do whatever he wants to do with his money and that the story I was making up in my head was all about my insecurities versus what was really going on.

Jools was being a great example, really. He loves his work, saves money so he can afford exactly what he wants, does his own thing, is never a martyr, is great at saying 'no' to stuff he doesn't want to do.

What gets in the way of a peaceful existence is often taking on stuff I might not want to do, playing the matyr, and then getting resentful because I end up worn out (while jools swans off on his new motorbike) So today, I'm making a promise to be clear about what I do want, say no to what I don't want and not to be the martyr.

So observing the process I've just been through.....1. feel intense emotion.....2. go from judgement to 'what can I learn here?' 3. act/think differently.

Imagine if I could learn a big lesson from every 'trauma'? or if I could see them no longer as 'traumas' but as growth spurts?! what would that be like?

 

Peace In The Community

Three years ago we moved to a village and for the first time in my adult life, I joined a community. I joined a mother and toddler's group and over time have forged great friends, supporters and laugh-out-loud moments.

On Sunday, I held a birthday party for my four year old son in the village community hall. I dressed as superwoman and my hubby as a power ranger. We terrorised and entertained a group of 4 year olds for a period of 2 hours. It was probably the longest two hours of my life! But I also had moments of utter happiness.

Happiness to see my little lad running about with his mates but also that our family was part of a community. These women, mothers of the village were now my friends and helped me set up the hall and blew up balloons and washed the dishes afterwards.

I felt supported and felt that 'group witnessing' thing where we watched in despair/pride as our little ones alternatively had tantrums and did star turns. We were revelling in/surviving parenthood because we had each other to lean on and to share with. This support makes me very, very happy.

When I lived in London, I had no real local community to be part of. When I had my son Charlie, I didn't join any mother's group because the plan was always to move from our flat to a house in the country. It took us 18 months to find somewhere. I was on my own with my new baby (well, my husband flitted in and out) and it was one of the loneliest periods of my life.

So what am I learning? Being part of a community and being supported by that community makes me happy. The other mummys are like me - slummy/dummy mummies with nothing to prove and everything to give/learn.

They are kind and down to earth and make me laugh. So it's important who your community is....ie if they're your 'tribe'. Finding my tribe to hang out with makes me very happy.

I have always naturally done that at work....I have created my Big Leap community in my coaching company but never done that where I live.

And I love it.

Connection

When I don’t live in the present, it feels like I constantly am waiting for the good stuff to begin. When I am constantly trying to transform myself or wait until the moment that I can transform some part of my life, I am telling myself that NOW is not enough, not good enough, that I need to do a/b/c for me to truly enjoy myself. So I miss what is going on in the present moment.

Whereas if you simply accept your reality, maybe not even accept it but really EMBRACE it, then at least you’re not missing the main show. All this amazing stuff going on in my life right now but I am missing it because I’m always focussed on improving the future.

I know why I do it. It feels so much easier to live in your imagination and gilded future than deal with the day to day ups and downs. Contentment is accepting where you are right now, feeling your feelings, not analysing them or trying to escape.

I suppose my fear is that if I accept things the way things are, then they will not change and I will be stuck in a present reality feeling fat, blue, confused or whatever. But what I am discovering is that life is transforming mainly because I am accepting my feelings and being in the present moment.

By accepting I felt blue at the dinosaur museum, not trying to jolly myself along, I felt relief. And I am no longer judging how I feel. Or trying to be with anything other than ‘what is’ right now.

I’m also ‘connecting’ more. When I was always living in the future, I was like one of those annoying people at parties who speak to you but have one eye fixed over your shoulder to see if there is anyone more interesting behind you. They never truly connect with you.

When we don’t connect with the present, we’re not really there in mind, body and spirit and life feels superficial, hollow. We can feel empty, hungry for more, more, more.

I need to spend more time connecting with ‘what is’ right now.  

Feeling Blue

Today I felt blue. Probably hormones. I noticed that the first question I asked myself was - how am I going to feel better?

My son and I were going to the Dinosaur Museum (or National History Museum to be exact) and as we stood in the three mile line (it was half term), I pondered another question….is the route to inner peace about ACCEPTING how I feel versus always trying to run away from it or change it?

Acceptance versus self improvement – discuss.

I think I do have this belief that we have a right to be happy/happy/happy ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. Maybe one of my obstacles to contentment is this impossible goal.

So standing in line to see a big plastic dinosaur that roars, I relaxed my body and allowed myself to feel blue. I accepted that I didn’t need to analyse why I was blue, that I wasn’t going to try to change it or make myself better? It was a relief. Contentment? Just allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel. Full stop? Not sure but certainly felt a relief.

In The Beginning.

This year started well. A national newspaper named me as one of the top ten gurus in the country. Wow, a guru. If only I knew what to wear.

I started my journey to gurudom 10 years ago when I woke up in the early hours of New Year’s Day dribbling on the shoulder of a strange man on a train. I had slept through my stop after drinking too much.

I was a journalist, working 16 hour days and my life was a mess. I used coffee to get me going, cigarettes to keep me going and alcohol to help me stop. All the while going to my job as health editor of a national magazine! I was up to my ears in debt, my relationship of 4 years was on the rocks, and I felt trapped on a treadmill of 16 hour 7 day weeks. I was knackered and I wanted to get off the treadmill.

Something had to change. And as it turned out – that thing was me. Ten years ago, I woke up with dribble on my chin and vowed to change my life.

My first stop was to hire a life coach and I discovered it really worked for me. And over a period of 2 years, I really did make some big changes – I stopped drinking to excess, I stopped smoking, lost weight, got out of debt, transformed my relationship with my husband (we’re still married).

In the years following, I trained to become a coach, wrote a best-selling coaching book Making The Big Leap, founded my own coaching business The Big Leap, was invited to write my own column, moved to the country from London and most life changing of all had my beautiful son Charlie after many years of trying.

And now to top it all 10 years on, I woke New Year’s Day 2007 and I was suddenly being named as a top guru.

All my boxes were ticked, surely? I could sink back and be happy now, yes? So why on earth was I scanning the horizon for more, more, more?

It’s more subtle but somehow I feel like I’m still on that treadmill that I advise others to step off. I never feel like I can rest. I am restless, constantly looking for new things to change/leaps to make, for new transformations. When I tried to set my goals for this year, I completely stalled. What did I really, really want, I asked myself? I’ve got what I said I wanted …..so just I just go for the bigger/shinier versions now?

I want to feel that inner peace, that sense of ‘I’m there’, to be able to appreciate all that I have in my life now (so much) without planning the next big thing. So I have decided to dedicate my focus this year on that theme: The Big Peace.

So this is what this blog is about: my journey to find that missing peace in my life : the Big Peace that I know no longer lies at the bottom of a wine bottle or a stiff, expensive carrier bag. It isn’t even about me reaching my goals, being thinner, richer or more successful (although that seems to help sometimes!).