I've just written an article for Style magazine (Sunday Times - out April 6th, I think) on the whole 'more/better/more' thing, as in, you know.....being on that treadmill of always wanting more/better/more.
As I worked towards my 40th birthday, the itch was still there. I wanted to write a best-selling detective novel, I wanted an extension on the house, after 15 years of marriage I wanted to have more (and better) conversations with my husband......
Despite my journey for the big peace, the search was still on. More/better/more.....more/better/more.....on and on......
But it has occurred to me, if I'm to accept myself the way I am, maybe I just have to embrace this 'itch' as part of my make-up, maybe as part of being human. It goes back to my initial research which shows that a primeaval instinct in our brain is to blame. Apparently, the happiness scientists have discovered that the 'itch' for more/better/more comes from an ancient part of the brain which ensured survival when we were dressed in animal skins and carried a club. In the 21st Century, it translates into a driving search for posessions and accomplishments - which happiness scientists call it the hedonic treadmill.
But to accept this part of myself, doesn't mean I have to be driven by it. I have been working with the Martha Beck exercise 'the watcher' when I'm triggered by my 'more/better/more' itch and have been experimenting with ligthing up another part of my brain.
I have adapted this from Martha Beck's book The 4 Day Win. (which is primarily about weight loss but have discovered this exercise works for all kind of compulsions.)
The brain that
observes itself, changes itself, Beck claims.
Visualise what Beck calls your ‘inner dictator’ (the one that says 'go on prove yourself...achieve more, do more, be more, you're not good enough without that handbag/without writing that book.....) and your ‘wild child’ (the one who rebels or sinks in a heap exhausted and has a tantrum) Think
through their motivations until you can understand that perhaps they are only trying
to help. Try to feel compassion for both of these little characters and send
them lots of love. Then ask yourself – who are you? Beck calls this person ‘the
watcher’. When you observe your own thinking, and feel compassion, this lights up the part
of your brain that makes you feel peaceful.
Try it. it's a deceptively simple exercise but am finding it useful to notice my 'itches' without too much unsightly scratching. (although it's definitely a process).
That's probably why I liked all 'the big mind' stuff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT9y1YEUjy0 as that was primarily all about observation of our different states/modes.
What do you think?
