Guest blogger Jules on ego versus soul.

Jules Ritter from Switzerland says: 

 

(jules with her eldest son)

My biggest breakthrough in my morning pages this week has been the understanding of the ego versus soul/true identity dilemma.

 

This is my story: I am a journalist/writer returning to the world of freelancing after many years at home looking after my children.  Last year, following six months of coaching on the Platinum Programme with Suzy, I managed to fulfil my set goal of breaking into the UK press with a double page spread in Red magazine followed by two articles published in The Weekend Telegraph.

 

Hurrah!  Cue Fireworks!!! Ringing bells!!! Pop open the champagne???!!!

Er…no, not quite.

 

I was initially elated or possibly it was more a sense of relief that here, finally, was evidence that I could write, then I just felt…depleted.  I blamed it on exhaustion, the end of the year, so I took a break over Christmas.

 

I started the New Year with renewed vigour, getting straight back on the pitching wagon, setting the heady goal of one publication a month which, I see now, was the equivalent of placing a loaded gun to my head and even as I wrote this pledge down, put it on my vision board and said it OUT LOUD to Suzy over the phone, there was no visceral shift, no surge of energy, no frisson just a feeling of a wet day at the beach.  Suzy surprised me by asking “How can we make this more enjoyable for you?”  The phrase there is no road to happiness, happiness IS the road, came to mind as I mulled this over.

 

I was on the wrong path and I needed to go off on a few detours, take a look over a few hedges.

 

And this is what I have learned 1: 

 

Ego voice (loud,,obnoxious) “ Hey, girl!  Look at you!  Now you are a REAL writer (subtext: as opposed to that con-artist everyone thought you were – my ego has a bitchy tongue).  They pay you good money to write.  Pitch, Pitch, PITCH!”

 

True Voice (softly confident , sometimes whispers):  “hmmm.  Maybe.  It is nice to be published but, well, I feel lonely, cut off from the world pitching ideas that mostly go nowhere, not connecting with anyone.  I don’t want to spend my days like this.” 

 

So it was all a big ego trip.  A great big flashy day out.  A dip of the toe in the water of minor fame and recognition and lovely as it was, it wasn’t/isn’t fulfilling enough because maybe it was all just a little too much about ME.  What I did enjoy were all the emails I received from people from all over the world.  Knowing I resonated with people I had never met, knowing other people laughed even cried at my articles , now that was a blast, my heart was singing with joy when I read those.

 

And this is what I have learned 2:

 

I love to write, I love words but I don’t need constant recognition to survive or to call myself a writer, at least not anymore.  So goodbye ego or is it au revoir?  Until the next time…

 

Since writing my morning pages  - feels like the Artist’s Motorway I’ve got  so busy - I have decided to pitch when an idea comes to me and only then, to continue writing my blog which I do for pleasure, to continue writing my book, and to continue reading books that feed my soul and help me understand the real me; the one standing quietly and patiently in the background licking her wounds having fought so long and hard against the loudmouth stamping her feet and waving her arms about all the time.

 

Beware the voice of the ego and listen for the voice that whispers out to you.  Then you will  find your true path.

Comments

[Suzy Greaves]

Yes, how many of us want to be writers because we want to be seen as writers versus because we love writing?
A writer's life can be lonely and is very hard work, i think. I love my coaching and have always found writing very hard - I know I'm Ok at it but still find it tough to actually sit down and write.
for you, jules, maybe you needed some kind of validation to realise that you are a good writer and then could get back to enjoying the journey versus focus on the outcome.

[Maria]

I loved reading your first entry Jules. It's beautifully written and comes from such a personal place, a place I'm sure many of us can relate to. I've been studying A course in miracle's for just over a year and the whole premise of that spiritual practice is that the ego and the true self are in opposition most of the time and that to find true inner peace we have to let the true self win - something you have achieved. It takes someone with a lot of self-awareness and honesty to admit that the 'success' they had thought was the holy grail wasn't what their true self needed anyway. I agree with Suzy 100 percent that enjoying the journey versus the outcome is the way forward. Sometimes we all take a bit of a detour but as long as we get back onto our rightful path it's all just a learning experience and we become wiser.

Thanks for sharing.