A Christmas tree sob

An early post today because I’m actually up late on Sunday morning and I’m sad. I’ve just put up our Christmas tree. We have this tradition every year where we get my son Charlie to plant a ‘magic’ seed and in the morning the Christmas fairy will have ‘magically’ grown a Christmas tree.

 

My husband and I usually put our son to bed and then decorate the Christmas tree together and put up the Christmas tree and then when Charlie wakes up – wow! a magical Christmas tree has grown.

 

 

The big news is that this year I was the magical Christmas fairy and I was alone. I announced in my blog in June that I had made a big leap earlier in the year and late May my husband and I decided to split. It’s been a challenging six months to say the least. And a mastery course in the Big Peace.

 

It’s easy to be in a Big Peace place when all is well and I took it as the ultimate opportunity to practise what I preach.

 

I’ve been ever so sad over the past few months, grieving the passing of 15 year marriage. But have worked every day practising my Big Peace.

 

It’s easy to practise when all is well but when the fundamentals of who you are and what you thought you stood for are shaken to the very core, then pow, the practise becomes very powerful and meaningful. You get to challenge your old patterns and thoughts but in a very emotional, triggered environment.

 

In the past 6 months, I’ve learnt so much. But one of the big things I’ve learnt is that it is ok to feel mad, bad as well as glad. In fact, I realised that one of my major obstacles to peaceful living was my belief that life ‘should’ be happy/good/pleasant/enjoyable.

 

Queen of positive thinking, mantras and affirmations, I had been trained to ‘re frame’ my thoughts and experiences so that I could feel good whenever I wanted. But you know what? This didn’t make me feel happy or peaceful, especially when I was chewing my left arm off with grief, it made just me feel wrong.

 

My thought process went like this……’I’m sad/mad/miserable so I’m not doing it right. Quick, what can I do to change how I feel?’ And that became exhausting.

 

I’m realising surrendering to both the negative and the positive points in my day, knowing it’s OK to feel a whole rainbow of emotions – grief-struck, sad, angry, happy, amused – sometimes all

within 5 minutes – doesn’t make you insane, it just make you human.

 

I have learnt that intense feelings come and then they go. The trick is, as the Buddhists tell us, is not to attach to them or resist them.

 

My mission in the last 6 months has been to embrace the good, bad and ugly parts of my day and not hold a magnifying glass over any of it. ‘This too shall pass’ has been my mantra.

 

And it’s very soothing.

 

Even when tonight I sobbed into a spiky Christmas tree and felt very, very sad.

 

So the exercise for today is simply this:

 

Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling today - without judgement – and observe the thoughts without analysing and see if that emotional intensity passes. Like a cloud crossing the sun, as the Buddhists say.

 

If ‘this too shall pass’ was your mantra – how would your life be different?

 

P.S my Christmas tree looks fab – despite a rather wobbly  lean to the left.

Comments

[Gilly Tompkins]

What an amazing woman you are Suzy. When I read what you have going through these last 6 months and I look at the positive contribution you are making to society and to my life - I just want to say a huge THANK YOU.
To be full of grief and choosing to live a creative life is inspiring.

[Irena]

Dear Suzy,
well done you in this challenging time. I think we need to acknowledge our feelings. When I went through a marriage breakdown, putting on a brave face actually lead to a mental breakdown. All the grief of a loss made me go psychotic. I virtually went mad from that loss, and all because I did not face up to it but tried to be a hero, all very grown up and civilized about it.

No longer playing a heroine to be polite. But being healthy instead, whatever I feel.

So have a lovely xmas..."Bloody xmas here again, let us raise the loving cup. Peace on earth, goodwill to men...and let them do the washing up!" Wendy Cope

[Maria]

Dear Suzy,

You've been a lovely contribution to my life over the past year or so and reading you post has made me feel both sad for your loss and full of admiration for you at the same time. Like Gilly said in the earlier post you are an amazing woman and I look upon you as a friend. You are very wise to know that its important to go through grief and not like many of us (myself included) try to resist the messy bits - they are so vitally important. Marianne Williamson taught me that if you need to cry 100 tears and you only cry 95 your body won't like that. She's right.

Two Christmas's ago I was in the position you are in now. A long-term relationship had ended and I want to assure you this....It absoloutely will get easier. The sun will shine again, the tears will stop when they are ready to and your heart will stop aching.

You mentioned you have learned a lot over this past 6 months; the learning will continue - you will grow and prosper. Be true to yourself that is all that is required, honour every emotion as you have already mentioned and you will come out of the other side of this really sad time so solid and strong. On a physical level this is one of the worst things that could happen but on a spiritual level there is much to be learned and there will be something wonderful waiting just for you.

Thanks for sharing Suzy. You are brave, authentic and very real.

Thanks for being you.

Maria

[Joanne Lovett]

Hi Suzy,

You are an inspiration not because of what you share only in words. But, what you shared in actions. You are in a position of power and thus, your example is an example that will affect millions. You have shown that it is possible to survive and live to see another day. You have shown that courage comes from "always moving forward" which is the title of an article I sent into Susan Jeffers and had published during the summer months.

So Suzy keep on moving forward and thank you for sharing some of your journey with us. For it is through sharing the real that we give others an example to follow.

I know that I was an example to my two work colleagues 18 months ago. When I was in a relationship with a man who wasn't the man I wanted in my life. I tried for four years to get him to be what I wanted. He tried four years to try to get me to be what he wanted. Then one day I realised we both were with the wrong people. We were both wanting each other to play roles we didn't want to play.

He wanted a housewife and I wanted to be a career girl. So, I took the courage and left. Since then I have put all that energy into finding what I do want! And realising you cannot change anyone else.

My two work colleagues followed my example and are now happily living their lives instead of trying to change their men.

But, also life is too precious to be trying to force what is not into what is, rather than accepting and moving away to find what you really want!

So, Suzy thank you, you courageous lady for sharing!

Joanne Lovett

"Always moving forward"